I sit here at my computer as yet another birthday approaches (at a galloping speed I fear) and I am again wondering ‘where has my life gone?’ and more importantly ‘where is my life headed?’
Dont get me wrong I am not one of those ‘whoa is me’ types of people, in fact, for the most part I am a happy and jovial person, but once a year and yes usually as I am about to turn another year older, I start the ‘what have I done with my life’ spiel and most often or not, I might add with little resolution.
So …. what have I done with my life you ask? Well, I married young(ish) – 22 is quite young these days and sometimes I feel this is where I took the wrong turn – perhaps I should have turned right instead of left Sure, I was in love (or was I??) and the world revolved around this guy who I thought was the ants pants and so when he asked I accepted. Life then came with a whole lot of new instructions.
I went from the safety of my home with mum and dad (perhaps I should have moved out and lived on my own first), to being married and moving some 4500km away from everyone and all that I knew. Reality hit like a tonne of bricks but hey, I was young (& remember I still had the rose tinted glasses on) and thought I could tackle the world!
The first few years were hard but Im made of stern stuff and I had my ‘life partner’ by my side and still felt that nothing was going to get in my way.
Fast track to 2005, I’ve not long turned the big 4-0 and have 2 smallish children (ok so one was 13 and the other 8 but still children in my eyes) and suddenly Im a single mother whose world has collapsed around her (clearly I didnt quite achieve the world tackling part), and struggling to pull myself together while still maintaining some sort of family life, juggling work and the building of our dream house. Finances were also a big worry at this time and I have never felt so alone as I did in those early months, especially with my mum being in Perth while I was and still am in Melbourne.
My children were definitely my saviour as I didnt have the luxury of crawling into my bed and staying there for 6 months – they needed my love and attention and assurance that in the end everything would be OK, I definitely believe that we helped each other through those tough times.
Over the next few years, (after the property settlement and subsequent divorce), my kids and I took a couple of holidays together which was and are very special to me and I thank god every day that although my life hasnt turned out at all the way I expected, I have 2 wonderful children by my side and we are walking this journey together.
I guess what I am saying is that even though I am getting another year older and I am still on the hunt for the love of my life (if he in fact exists), – if I was given the opportunity to change anything I have done in my life to date, Im not sure that I would ….. maybe I would change the odd thing here and there (like that crazy perm in the late 80’s, but hey everyone had one!) but for the most part I am happy with my life and where I have ended up, sure I get lonely sometimes but for the most part I think (looking back in hindsight), I was lonely when I was married and now (together with my kids), I have a dog who also gives me his unconditional love (provided I walk, feed him and let him have more than his share of my bed!!)
So … even though I sometimes feel that my life is somewhat direction-less, I need only look back on how far I have come to realise that Im probably one of the lucky ones, I have actually achieved HEAPS – I just did it with little fanfare and often without realising it.
Of course, as I pick up speed on the downward slide to the dreaded 5-0, I may have to keep reminding myself of the above on more than one occasion, but thats okay because (& pardon the pun) Im Sooooo Worth It!
As to where my life is headed…God Only Knows but I hope it will be an exciting journey (even if it is without fanfare), and fingers crossed with some overseas travel involved and it goes without saying, I hope that my family will be there with me every step of the way – oh and the dog of course!
So roll on the 18th May I say, I embrace 47 – not necessarily with a huge hug but at least with a handshake and wink to say, LETS PARTY!!!